I've come to the conclusion that the reason so many police officers are dour people is not because they spend all their time dealing with criminals and shady dealings, because that is not how their time is spent; for the most part they must respond to calls that would be hilarious if they were someone else's problem. But, alas:

POLICE BLOTTER
April 14: At 7:35 p.m., an anonymous person reported there were 10 juveniles fighting outside Mastercuts, 2801 Grand Ave., and mall security was not in the area.

April 15: A sick raccoon was reported in the front yard of 1804 Maxwell Ave.

April 16: At 12:01 a.m., M.J. Kitzman reported that there was "a strange orange light in the sky that traveled from the northeast to the southwest 15 percent faster than an airplane." Kitzman just wanted to know if anyone else had filed reports.

April 16: At 2:52 p.m., an anonymous person reported a highly intoxicated woman was running around Kellogg Apartments, 720 Kellogg Ave., ringing doorbells.

April 16: Matt Randall, of Coldwater Golf Links, 615 S. 16th St., reported that sometime overnight someone had taken some golf carts and driven them into the water.

April 17: At 1:34 a.m., an anonymous person reported there were people riding around on golf carts without lights near the Cyclone Truck Stop, 1811 S. Dayton Ave.

April 17: At 8:05 p.m., Lavila Hatten, 1422 Meadowlane Ave., called 911 and asked for the time.

April 17: At 9:58 p.m., an anonymous person reported a suspicious person wearing a blue sweater but couldn't explain why they were suspicious.

April 17: At 11:43 p.m., people were reported in the pool at Sterling University Plains, 4912 Mortensen Road.

April 18: At 12:18 a.m., people were reported back in the pool at Sterling University Plains, 4912 Mortensen Road.

My life seems so pleasantly dull by comparison.